There are always words we can’t say. Words that don’t seem to come out, no matter how much they mean to us nor how much we urge them to. There’s always something holding them back. It may be fear, it may be longing, it may be too much emotion, it may not be the right place.
Regardless, there are words that I’m constantly struggling with to people in all facets of my life. I think there’s a fear within me to say the things I want to so badly. It’s not a fear of failure, it’s the fear that the things I say will change, for better or worse, the circumstances I’ve become used to.
There have been so many times when I want to scream meaningful thoughts that, to me, are so important. Sayings and feelings and emotions that have been bottled and closed shut since before I can remember.
I feel like I’m slipping, losing touch with what needs to matter. For a period in my life, I felt that I was upfront, almost too much, with those around me. If I felt a certain way about them, they were well aware of it. Good, bad or indifferent. But now, it’s as if I’ve become complacent with how others view me. They think we’re strong acquaintances? Good enough. They think we’re best friends? Sure. They think there’s a romantic connection, you keep thinkin’ that.
Now though, I’ve been struck with this fervor that I written about last time. The fervor takes over me wholly, not just in one aspect of my life. I’m the kind of person that when the wind blows strongly in one direction, I let it take me. And now is definitely one of those times.
I want to go back to Alaska. I’m going to Costa Rica. I’m going back to Belize. And if there are any more trips in the near future, I’ll gladly oblige. I want to tell that one guy how I really feel. I want to tell my sister just how proud of her I really am.
It’s not fear that’s holding me back, it’s this paralyzing anxiety about what they will say back. Will the nature of the relationship change? What if it fails miserably? Why do I feel the need to tell them right this second?
But it can’t wait.
As cliche as it sounds, life really is too short. I’m 21 and dammit, I’m going to make the most of whatever may come. If our friendship is severed because of words, then it never was a friendship worth saving.
There are always words that need to be said. Not only for your sake, but for mine as well.